"The Twenty-Five Cent Dating Lecture"

I have given the following as a lecture to my junior high school classes for at least the last five years and probably more. The children have heard of the lecture from older siblings or friends and ask for it each year. If they have heard it in seventh grade they want it again in the eighth or else they would like a new student to our school to hear the infamous "Pearce's Twenty-Five Cent Dating Lecture." A few take it to heart and use it as a guide, some take bits and pieces and apply them and still others just think that I have lost my nut. However, I thought it was high time that I wrote it down. Much of the lecture is from my own experiences, observations and mistakes and some influence from a small and useful book entitled, "Her Hand in Marriage" by Douglas Wilson. So hold on and enjoy the ride.

Dating is one of the most selfish institutions ever conceived by man. Now before you close my blog I will say that there is a time and place for dating, just give me a moment to explain. As I was saying, dating is a selfish act. Oh, we take flowers and find out her favorite food, or we bake him his favorite cookies, all in the name of making him or her happy. When all we are really doing is making ourselves happy. We are looking for that feel good time, the brush of the hand, that movie-arm-extension-yawning thing, the goodnight kiss, etc. Dating is about you, the individual.

Mr. Wilson points out, and I agree, that dating is the dress-rehearsal for divorce. We try out a girl or guy that we really do not know much about and in thinking of ourselves we always keep in the back of our minds the idea that we can leave at anytime. Does this sound like marriage in the United States?

Americana dating, as we know it, is also relatively new. We do not see dating in the Bible, we really do not see this kind of dating until maybe the 1920s and in this particular form until the 1950s. I, like you, just considered dating the way we do things and so it must be a tradition that is upheld. After all didn't your father date and perhaps your grandfather?

The biggest argument that is thrown in my direction is, "How do I know what type of girl/guy that I want to marry?" Look, you are not buying a new car. That is the same argument I get from people about pre-marital sex. "I need to see if we are compatible in bed," a test drive, so-to-speak. I am not even going to take the time and energy to point out the numerous flaws in that argument. (I Corinthians 6:12 & 13)

Remember, that 999 times out of 1000, evangelical dating and marriage does not work. Find a strong Christian or the rest of this process is worthless. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

So how do we meet someone? Step number one: have many friends of both sexes and go out a lot and stay in quite a bit as well, both in large groups. See movies, go eat, play games, watch television, go for walks, etc. This way you are never tempted to do that which you should not and your reputation will be above reproach. I will guarantee that you will get a clearer picture of what someone is truly like when you are in a large group of friends rather than alone on a date. The way a guy treats you on a date is the way that you want to be treated not the way that he wants to treat you. He may want a second date or even more, how will he achieve this if he acts like himself. And so he is Romeo and she is Juliet, you know, without all the death, but none-the-less an impression is the focus. Why? Because the date is all about the individual you are, and not the individual you are with.

Once you have seen him/her in a large group setting over a long period and you have had a few talks in that environment and you have overheard even more talks and discussions in that environment and you are finally feeling an attraction, what is next? The next move is his. Yes, this may seem old fashioned, but the guy has the next move. Why? Because the only guy that is in your life, apart from Jesus Christ, should be your dad and the suitor is attempting to take dad's place. At the point of marriage the responsibility to care for the girl, as Christ cares for the church, passes from dad to husband. If the guy is not willing to make the next move, then he will not be willing to care for you like your dad or more importantly, like your heavenly father. (Note: the only reason to ever enter into a courtship/dating relationship is with the intent of marriage.) So what is the next move?

He needs to contact your dad, face to face. Guys get this straight, you must first go to the dad. If this is terrifying and you say "no way", then girls you know that you are not worth a little gut-wrenching fear to this boy and he is not right for you. Move on. Guys just man-up and get it done.

In the case of my daughter, a long discussion will ensue and at the close I will tell him that he should get lost, running in a serpentine pattern to avoid buck-shot, or if he finds my favor I will tell him that I will ask my daughter what her desire might be. If I ask my daughter and she states that she is not interested, then I, the dad, will go to the young man and break the news. It is not her job. If my girl is interested, then we move to the next step.

The next step is called courtship. What, more old-timey verbiage? Just wait, it gets better, at least in my opinion. Courtship is carried out with the constant thought in mind that dad is the man in the daughter's life. Dating, at this point, is permissible. Guys, you must file a flight plan with dad each time and on his approval the date will occur. Guys, if you tell the girl's dad that you will have her home by 11:00, then it better be 10:55, through her front door. If you tell dad that you are going to be at place "A" then do not deviate to place "B" without calling. Never be alone in a parked car. You may drive alone from location to location, but otherwise always be around people. It is best for you and him/her. AVOID TEMPTATION!

Now, if you really want to get to know someone, and this will be a requirement for my kids, spend time with him and his family and him and your family. Spend so much time at the other person's home with the other family that the person you are courting becomes comfortable at home while you are around. What I am trying to say is that the way a boy treats his mother and sisters is how he is how he will eventually treat you. The way he shows them love through word and deed will be the way he shows you love in marriage. Likewise, the way a girl is submissive and supportive of her dad is the way she will be as a wife to you. This time is vital. This is the "dress rehearsal" or "test drive" for which you have longed.

Optimum physical contact is holding hands or nothing at all. If he or she cannot wait to hug and kiss then he or she may not have waited with other girls/guys. If he cannot wait then he probably does not count you worthy. What is important to you will be important to him, in a Godly relationship.

Finally, when you have had the marriage discussion, he must ask your dad, ladies. He must, to not is a sign of disrespect for the passing of responsibility from dad to husband. Guys, by this point you have already had the pre-courtship talk, you have already spent so much time with the family and in the case of my daughter, you have already spent so much time in a one-on-one discipleship relationship with your future father-in-law (this is also a requirement of any Godly courtship) that this last step will be easy and it will feel natural. Remember that you should marry your best friend.

Men, love and cherish her. Ladies, honor and serve him. (Ephesians 5: 22-33, Colossians 3: 18 & 19)

Couples, place Christ at the center. This is the ultimate recipe for success.

Rob and Karen - An Example

On Saturday night last, my family had the honor of attending a very special event. It was the celebration of two of our friends, a wonderful couple, reaching the brilliant age of fifty. I thought it appropriate to take a moment, or even two, to tell you a bit about them. They are indeed a wonderful couple and a shining example of marriage, but I want to take the time to speak to the character of each as individuals.
Let’s start with Karen. To meet Karen is an adventure; at least. She could easily be the mayor of our town, not only because she knows everyone in town, which she does, but because she is a very well liked individual in our town. This speaks to her character. Karen loves people. She loves to be with people and do for people. She has a heart of compassion and service. This is Christ in her and the Holy Spirit working through her.
Then there is Rob. Rob does not work a room like his wife, he would prefer a smaller setting with a few people at a time and yet his passion for people is no less than that of Karen’s. Like our Lord, Rob is a discipler, and like Karen he too has a servant’s heart and shares a heart of compassion and yet it is displayed in a very different way. Not that one way is better or worse than the other; just different. They would both sacrificially hand you anything that they own. Rob loves to listen and process and respond only when he feels it is of benefit to you and not him.
They are a couple of compatibility. Like a candle and a flame, one is not as effective without the other. They find joy in their Savior, their family, and their friends; doing so in very dissimilar and similar ways. It is an honor to know them and be counted as friends.

To Miss W (and Ebeth)

I am friend to a young lady who is a former student of mine. She is now twenty and I have been acquainted with her since she was very young and have had the privilege of watching her grow into a woman of God. She comes from a wonderful Christian home and it is a joy to know them.
I had the opportunity to chat with her for a few minutes yesterday. I relish all of our conversations because she loves the Lord and she is a thought provoking young lady. As we talked she expressed the fact that she had been going through some times of discontentment recently in the area of marriage and the fact that she is not and not really moving in that direction at this time. You see, since I can remember, she has had the desire to become a wife and a mom. As we talked it became clear that she felt embarrassed and sinful for her lack of contentment in the place in which God has placed her and she is now content once again. So, being a bit of a thinker myself, I began to pray and ponder her situation.
I now have a few thoughts to share with you Miss W. It is so important to be joyful in each situation in which you are placed, but I believe that does not mean you cannot carry some sorrow in a situation or even a desire for change. For instance: my dad recently passed away. I find great joy that he is with the Lord and am thrilled that God answered my prayers of healing. (Not as I would have done it, but he healed him just the same.) I find great peace and yet I am taking the time for mourning as scripture teaches. (Ecclesiastes 3:4) Perhaps there is a bit of mourning in a young lady in yet unfulfilled dreams?
Secondly, there are many examples from scripture in which God places an individual or individuals in situations and they are joyful and obedient in those situations and yet they pray and even work (with God’s guidance) to change those circumstances. I first give you Paul. As Paul is writing to the church at Philippi in Chapter 1 verse 21-26 he discusses the fact that he is content to stay here on earth and do God’s will for the furthering of the Kingdom of God, but he states in verse 22 that his “desire is to depart” that is be with God and reunited with Jesus.) This in no way means we should seek our desires over the Lord’s will, but it does mean that we can have other desires. In the garden of Gethsemane, Christ prayed for God the Father to take the cup of suffering and crucifixion from Him, (that was the wholly human side of Christ.) But the wholly God side then prayed “not my will but thine be done.”
In closing, Miss W, continue to dream, continue to aspire toward a husband and children, and by all means pray for these things, but moreover continue to pray that God’s will and not yours be done.