"The Twenty-Five Cent Dating Lecture"

I have given the following as a lecture to my junior high school classes for at least the last five years and probably more. The children have heard of the lecture from older siblings or friends and ask for it each year. If they have heard it in seventh grade they want it again in the eighth or else they would like a new student to our school to hear the infamous "Pearce's Twenty-Five Cent Dating Lecture." A few take it to heart and use it as a guide, some take bits and pieces and apply them and still others just think that I have lost my nut. However, I thought it was high time that I wrote it down. Much of the lecture is from my own experiences, observations and mistakes and some influence from a small and useful book entitled, "Her Hand in Marriage" by Douglas Wilson. So hold on and enjoy the ride.

Dating is one of the most selfish institutions ever conceived by man. Now before you close my blog I will say that there is a time and place for dating, just give me a moment to explain. As I was saying, dating is a selfish act. Oh, we take flowers and find out her favorite food, or we bake him his favorite cookies, all in the name of making him or her happy. When all we are really doing is making ourselves happy. We are looking for that feel good time, the brush of the hand, that movie-arm-extension-yawning thing, the goodnight kiss, etc. Dating is about you, the individual.

Mr. Wilson points out, and I agree, that dating is the dress-rehearsal for divorce. We try out a girl or guy that we really do not know much about and in thinking of ourselves we always keep in the back of our minds the idea that we can leave at anytime. Does this sound like marriage in the United States?

Americana dating, as we know it, is also relatively new. We do not see dating in the Bible, we really do not see this kind of dating until maybe the 1920s and in this particular form until the 1950s. I, like you, just considered dating the way we do things and so it must be a tradition that is upheld. After all didn't your father date and perhaps your grandfather?

The biggest argument that is thrown in my direction is, "How do I know what type of girl/guy that I want to marry?" Look, you are not buying a new car. That is the same argument I get from people about pre-marital sex. "I need to see if we are compatible in bed," a test drive, so-to-speak. I am not even going to take the time and energy to point out the numerous flaws in that argument. (I Corinthians 6:12 & 13)

Remember, that 999 times out of 1000, evangelical dating and marriage does not work. Find a strong Christian or the rest of this process is worthless. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

So how do we meet someone? Step number one: have many friends of both sexes and go out a lot and stay in quite a bit as well, both in large groups. See movies, go eat, play games, watch television, go for walks, etc. This way you are never tempted to do that which you should not and your reputation will be above reproach. I will guarantee that you will get a clearer picture of what someone is truly like when you are in a large group of friends rather than alone on a date. The way a guy treats you on a date is the way that you want to be treated not the way that he wants to treat you. He may want a second date or even more, how will he achieve this if he acts like himself. And so he is Romeo and she is Juliet, you know, without all the death, but none-the-less an impression is the focus. Why? Because the date is all about the individual you are, and not the individual you are with.

Once you have seen him/her in a large group setting over a long period and you have had a few talks in that environment and you have overheard even more talks and discussions in that environment and you are finally feeling an attraction, what is next? The next move is his. Yes, this may seem old fashioned, but the guy has the next move. Why? Because the only guy that is in your life, apart from Jesus Christ, should be your dad and the suitor is attempting to take dad's place. At the point of marriage the responsibility to care for the girl, as Christ cares for the church, passes from dad to husband. If the guy is not willing to make the next move, then he will not be willing to care for you like your dad or more importantly, like your heavenly father. (Note: the only reason to ever enter into a courtship/dating relationship is with the intent of marriage.) So what is the next move?

He needs to contact your dad, face to face. Guys get this straight, you must first go to the dad. If this is terrifying and you say "no way", then girls you know that you are not worth a little gut-wrenching fear to this boy and he is not right for you. Move on. Guys just man-up and get it done.

In the case of my daughter, a long discussion will ensue and at the close I will tell him that he should get lost, running in a serpentine pattern to avoid buck-shot, or if he finds my favor I will tell him that I will ask my daughter what her desire might be. If I ask my daughter and she states that she is not interested, then I, the dad, will go to the young man and break the news. It is not her job. If my girl is interested, then we move to the next step.

The next step is called courtship. What, more old-timey verbiage? Just wait, it gets better, at least in my opinion. Courtship is carried out with the constant thought in mind that dad is the man in the daughter's life. Dating, at this point, is permissible. Guys, you must file a flight plan with dad each time and on his approval the date will occur. Guys, if you tell the girl's dad that you will have her home by 11:00, then it better be 10:55, through her front door. If you tell dad that you are going to be at place "A" then do not deviate to place "B" without calling. Never be alone in a parked car. You may drive alone from location to location, but otherwise always be around people. It is best for you and him/her. AVOID TEMPTATION!

Now, if you really want to get to know someone, and this will be a requirement for my kids, spend time with him and his family and him and your family. Spend so much time at the other person's home with the other family that the person you are courting becomes comfortable at home while you are around. What I am trying to say is that the way a boy treats his mother and sisters is how he is how he will eventually treat you. The way he shows them love through word and deed will be the way he shows you love in marriage. Likewise, the way a girl is submissive and supportive of her dad is the way she will be as a wife to you. This time is vital. This is the "dress rehearsal" or "test drive" for which you have longed.

Optimum physical contact is holding hands or nothing at all. If he or she cannot wait to hug and kiss then he or she may not have waited with other girls/guys. If he cannot wait then he probably does not count you worthy. What is important to you will be important to him, in a Godly relationship.

Finally, when you have had the marriage discussion, he must ask your dad, ladies. He must, to not is a sign of disrespect for the passing of responsibility from dad to husband. Guys, by this point you have already had the pre-courtship talk, you have already spent so much time with the family and in the case of my daughter, you have already spent so much time in a one-on-one discipleship relationship with your future father-in-law (this is also a requirement of any Godly courtship) that this last step will be easy and it will feel natural. Remember that you should marry your best friend.

Men, love and cherish her. Ladies, honor and serve him. (Ephesians 5: 22-33, Colossians 3: 18 & 19)

Couples, place Christ at the center. This is the ultimate recipe for success.